The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
