yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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