never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
