oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
