Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize