I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
