morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
