Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
