ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
