Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
