Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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