Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
