man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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