i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
