The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
