my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
