The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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