Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
