Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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