So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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