Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
