im drinking this country out of the recession.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize