I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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