two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
