I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
