Moan for me like Helen Keller
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
