Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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