It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
