I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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