I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
