Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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