I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
