do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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