I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
