Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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