im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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