So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
