I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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