I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
