Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
