She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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