If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
