so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
