my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
