Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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