I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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