How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
