I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
