I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
