I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
