She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
