Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize