He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize