Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
