take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
