so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
