when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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