Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The adults are the big ones right?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
