Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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