and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
