i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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