He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
