i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
